couples breakthrough experience

Thank you for taking our short relationship quiz. Here are your results:

Woman holding red paper hearts tied with ribbon uid 1270631Here is a short explanation of The Love Bank which we mention regularly below: Each individual in a relationship holds a love bank account for their partner. We either make deposits or withdrawals to this account depending on how we show up in the relationship; how we communicate, how affectionate and loving we are, how we speak to them, how tactile we are, how open and honest we are, how needy, moody, critical, trusting, trustworthy to name but a few. Basically, with each and every thing we do or say to our partner, we will either be making a deposit or a withdrawal to the love account they hold for you. And their behaviour will be doing the same to the account you hold for them.

If you circled mostly A’s – The Spender

This is someone who expects their relationship to just happen around them. Spenders tend to feel that their relationship is something that is meant to make them happy, and it’s up to their Adult couple arguing and walking on street uid 1453650partner to ensure they do. A spender doesn’t expect to have to put much work into their relationship. There can be great deal of criticism and defensiveness in this kind of relationship, where one or both can feel entitled to having their needs met without caring about the other’s needs. The Spender is constantly reducing their balance of the ‘love bank’ for their relationship through critical comments and demands and will very quickly find themselves overdrawn. This usually causes resentment on both sides. This is known as a ‘careless’ relationship.

Andy and Di’s advice is sit down with your partner and firstly decide whether you even want to be in a relationship at all. If so, establish your partner’s needs and then make some effort to begin meeting them. No one is owed love, so give your partner a reason to want to stay, and to want to stay in love with you. Even though your partner may seem fine with you not making any effort just now, it won’t last forever. If the relationship means anything to you, then start showing it.

If you circled mostly B’s – The Investor

Adult couple kissing and hugging uid 1453643This is someone who values their relationship and understands that a loving connection takes effort from both sides. Though saving can be one-sided, where both are putting in at least the same amount of effort into the relationship that they did when they were dating, the relationship is likely to be happy and affair-proof. This is a caring relationship. The love bank in this relationship will be high and continually building, and if someone outwith the relationship does pay a compliment or flirt a little with your partner, it can be taken lightly because it won’t have anywhere near the same effect on them as it would if the love bank at home were empty.

Andy and Di’s advice is to continue building your love bank throughout life, and your relationship will become, if it isn’t already, one of your greatest sources of joy. This kind of relationship creates a mutual circle of healthy giving and receiving.

If you circled mostly C’s – The Dormant Saver

Caucasian businesswoman holding hand up with palm facing uid 1172614This is someone who is choosing not to be present in their relationship. Their body is there, but their effort levels are not. It might even be that they have become so complacent that they don’t seem to mind either way whether they are even in a relationship. Talking/spending time together/making love/resolving issues, it may be done verbally to keep the peace, but it’s done without much conviction. The preference would be to avoid that kind of close contact if possible. The dormant savers in a relationship will be spending day in day out going through the same daily routines, most likely on a more ‘friend’ basis with their partner than a couple in a healthy relationship, with neither giving and neither taking. They’re just there… that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with being friends, but a relationship based mainly on just friendship and convenience is not meeting many of the fundamental needs of all intimate relationships – so it can be unfulfilling and perhaps on ‘thin ice’. It is often the case that the sex life dies away in these types of relationships, as there is nothing to ignite it.

Andy and Di’s advice would be to firstly decide whether you wish to remain in the relationship, and if you do, then start taking action to actually be present in it. Discuss rather than avoid each other’s needs. The affection in a relationship generally leads to a healthy sex life, and when one slows down, the other does too… so take a bold step and become affectionate. Ask your partner what they need from you so they feel your presence, and you can re-ignite the flame if the love is still there. Begin talking and actually listening, being interested, and also make time to organise some activities together that you’ll both enjoy.

If you circled mostly D’s – The Secret Investor

Rock with the word trust in water uid 1179964This is someone who is choosing to remain in their relationship, but gets their kicks from having their love bank filled by others outside of their relationship. Secret Investors may feel misunderstood or not heard at home, and it may feel exciting to get their needs met outside of their relationship. However, the thrills rarely last for long because the excitement in the new relationship also dissolves if the effort is not maintained. It’s this simple – when we don’t put the effort in to our relationship, then the love bank declines, no matter who we’re in a relationship with. This is not an excuse to have an affair. On the contrary – it’s the reason to sit down with your partner and re-assess your needs and how you can both begin building your love bank at home again. Getting your love bank filled by someone other than your partner will lead to a great deal of uncertainty, stress and mistrust in your relationship, so if you still love your partner, then don’t allow things to get to the stage where they can’t be repaired.

Andy and Di’s advice would be to sit down together and talk. Firstly decide whether you do wish to be in this relationship, and if so, then discuss your needs and how you can both begin meeting them to build the love bank up again. Arrange some activities together which will bring the fun back into your relationship, perhaps a date night. Plan some romance and take it step by step. If the love is still there between you, and it’s just the excitement that’s died down, then it’s entirely possible to rebuild it.

Submit your name and e-mail below to download our FREE e-book:

How Emotionally Intelligent is your Organisation or Family Business?

Which of the following 12 commonly occurring challenges occur in your business?

Rate your business between 1 and 10, where 1 = we never or rarely suffer from these issues and 10 = these are a major issue for us.

Submit your answers to receive your free, no-obligation free online assessment of how emotionally intelligent your business is.

Please note: All your responses will be treated in complete confidence.
  • Relationships in your family business

  • Do team and family members feel able to voice their opinion and feel heard, without being sabotaged by embarrassment, ridicule, shyness, assumptions or arguments? (Score guide: 1 = we rarely argue, everyone feels heard and understood; 10 = there are lots of assumptions and/or resentment, with little empathy; some people feel left out/under-valued/unheard).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Are their frequent arguments, or worse, simmering unresolved frustration and resentment? Do you feel that your (business and family) struggle with clashes of personality? How much do staff and family relationships struggle with any of the following: defensiveness, criticism, contempt, aggression, controlling and/or condescending behaviour, child-like or sulking/passive aggressive behaviour, drama, risk-taking, sitting on the fence/not expressing an opinion, perfectionism, or procrastination? This may occur with external advisors, customers, suppliers too. (Score guide: 1 = everyone gets along and cooperates well, we harness our individuality for the greater good, and we are a happy team; 10 = the team doesn’t ‘gel’ well, there are regular clashes of personality – we do not understand and accept/embrace our personality styles and differences).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Does fitting family members into roles feels like pushing square pegs into round holes? Are people in roles that they are not suited to, unhappy in or insufficiently trained for? (Score guide: 1 = people are happy and effective in their roles; 10= people are unhappy and ill-equipped for their roles)
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Which of these most typifies relationships and the mood in your business? Where is your business on the continuum? Helpless/Hopeless/Angry vs Happy? (Score guide: 1 = Happy; 10 = very helpless/hopeless and/or very Angry)
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Is there a clear leader or leadership team? Is decision making inclusive, inspiring and fair, frequently disagreed with or secretly resented? Does any level of autocracy create stress and resentment? (Score guide: 1 = the leadership is strong and clear, well respected, empowering and inclusive; 10 = the leadership style is (considered by some as) autocratic, over-bearing, and stressful and is resented by some).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Does the family and team rally round and step up to the plate when things need to get done? Does everyone equally/fairly pull their weight? (Score guide: 1= all the time; 7= Rarely; 10 = No)
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • If your MD/CEO is within 5-10 years of retirement, is there a succession plan? Is anyone being groomed to take over the leadership role(s)? Have assumptions been made about their willingness, ability and readiness to take over? Are these being addressed with coaching and leadership development? Are clashes in personality likely to challenge succession plans? (Score guide: 1= the future leaders are identified, willing and able – there is no resentment, we embrace life-long learning and development; 10 = there is no clear and agreed/accepted succession plan, there is no culture of life-long learning or of leadership development for future leaders).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Are there family favourites or inequalities that threaten the stability, sustainability and morale of the business? (Score guide: 1 = we all get along well and work effectively as a team; 10 = there are inequalities, arguments, unfairness and/or resentment between family members or indeed non-family employees).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Are family members able to leave work at work and create balance and a demarcation/separation of work from their home-life? (Score guide: 1 = this isn’t an issue, people are normally happy at work and at home; 10 = this is a major and stressful issue).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • Is it difficult to balance the role of parent and boss or sons/daughter/sibling with that of co-worker, sub-ordinate or line manager? Are team and family members being encouraged and developed in their roles and future prospects/promotions? (Score guide: 1 = this isn’t an issue for us - we have all had our skills and strengths assessed; roles and skills development are decided upon accordingly; 10 = this is a major and stressful issue).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • What about work-life balance and quality of life? Are balance and productivity promoted through time away from work, rewards and recognition? Or are unreasonable expectations placed unreasonably often? Note: These could be self-imposed, or imposed by others… (Score guide: 1 = this isn’t an issue – the business does not adversely affect home life (or vice versa), 10 = this is a major issue – problems and stress at work are brought home and/or problems at home adversely affect work life and productivity/mood).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
  • How willing is/are the leadership within your business – to tackle the above issues (i.e. issues 1 to 11)? (Score guide: 1 = avoid/deny/sweep issue under the carpet or simply despair; 10 = we have tackled these issues proactively, openly, inclusively and fairly).
    Please enter a value between 0 and 10.
Share the knowledge