Results for category "relationships"

How we end up marrying the wrong person – bad choice or lack of awareness?

Andrew

Here is a great article about how and why so many of us end up marrying the wrong person.

The article makes a number of great points such as:

  • Don’t seek or expect perfection… The dangers of choosing a partner based on beauty or vague sentimentality.
    • Many of us set the bar unrealistically high, for things (like wealth or looks) that are far from set in stone.
  • “One of the greatest privileges of being on one’s own is the flattering illusion that one is, in truth, really quite an easy person to live with.” So true!!
  • “We don’t understand other people. Other people are stuck at the same low level of self-knowledge as we are.” So get the knowledge – I did and it really paid off.
  • “We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, or stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, projection, money, children, ageing, fidelity and a hundred things besides.” No arguments here!
  • “What replaced the marriage of reason was the marriage of instinct, the Romantic marriage. It dictated that how one felt about someone should be the only guide to marriage. If one felt ‘in love’, that was enough. No more questions asked. Feeling was triumphant. Outsiders could only applaud the feeling’s arrival, respecting it as one might the visitation of a divine spirit.” True again for most of us – certainly for me, first time around before my divorce.
  • We don’t go to Schools of Love.We should. I wish I had done a lot earlier (I waited until divorced and age 39). I learned so much, that I decided to become a relationship coach. Then I realised, this was just the tip of the iceberg… Now, after 13 years of R&D on relationships, I am the headmaster of the best relationship school.
    • Many of us didn’t have a great experience at school. So the thought of going to relationship school may not be appealing. One of the criticisms levelled at the education system is that it doesn’t tailor and adapt itself enough to each individual pupil, their needs and learning styles etc. Instead, the pupils are shoe-horned into the fairly standardised system.
    • The same can be said for relationship coaching, counselling and education. This is why our approach is so different and so much more effective – it is tailored to who you are, as an individual and as a unique couple.
  • The time has come for a third kind of marriage. The marriage of psychology. One where ‘the feeling’…” (of love, or was it possibly infatuation)? “has been properly submitted to examination and brought under the aegis of a mature awareness of one’s own and the other’s psychology.” Hear hear!
  • “We need a new set of criteria. We should wonder: – how are they mad; how can one raise children with them; how can one develop together; how can one remain friends?” Great questions.
    • These need to be asked regularly, not only at the beginning.  Di and I complete an annual relationship MOT, where we go through the key elements of our Relationship Breakthough process.
    • Now this might all seem a little stale, unromantic and not fun. We can assure you, it is the opposite. This is enlightening and encouraging, it can be the most fun together, drawing you closer and more lovingly intimate than ever. Satisfaction and joy replace frustration and that feeling of impotence when things are working.
  • “We want to freeze happiness. We imagine that marriage is a guarantor of happiness. Getting married has no power to keep a relationship at the beautiful ‘honeymoon’ stage.
    • All great points.  Things don’t stand still (unless they are dead). A marriage takes a lot of work, but it has to be intelligent, well-informed work, not just (what feels like) hard work.
    • A well informed, conscious relationship still takes work – and it pays great dividends (of joy).
  • “The statistical chance of one in two of failing at marriage seems wholly acceptable when one is in love – feeling one has already beaten far more extraordinary odds – meeting their ideal ‘one in a million’. ” Don’t accept such poor odds! 

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Why relationships can be scary for women…

Diane Nicholson

When a man chooses to step up and become fully present for the woman he loves, he reaps great rewards from the relationship. Likewise, if he chooses not to, he is likely to face some of the situations men want to run from most… until he does step up, that is.

When a man is not being entirely honest with a woman, she will generally pick up on this as an unsettled feeling within her, even though she may not be able to pinpoint exactly why she feels that way. A woman will sense his underlying motives over and above his words, and if something about the two don’t feel congruent to her, then her head and heart with go into battle as she tries to figure out what her amber warning signal is trying to tell her. When a woman ceases to trust her own intuition and thinking, it can result in a change in her behaviour. Read More →

Why Acknowledging and Sharing your Intimate Relationship Needs is Vital to a Happy Relationship

Diane Nicholson

There are ten fundamental intimate relationship needs which are expected to be met exclusively by your partner when that union is entered into. These needs determine the difference between a relationship and a friendship, yet generally, they remain unspoken. Most people have never taken the time to identify their own needs, never mind share them with their partner.

The resulting lack of communication means that neither partner’s needs are met within the relationship, so one or both view the other as a source of frustration rather than love.

These 10 needs will vary in priority for each individual in the relationship, and Read More →

One couple’s breakthrough to love

Andrew

We worked with a couple recently who had been together for 3 years. Our couple – let’s call them Mike and Ann – have given us permission to share their story. These are not their real names, and these photos are not of them – our clients always maintain full confidentiality.

Mike and Ann were experiencing difficulties in their relationship and wanted to find a way through. Communication was often fraught; either of them only had to do or say the slightest thing to spark an argument. This was happening without any intention to hurt or offend the other, so wires were definitely getting crossed somewhere between them.

Each time they argued it would take them into negative energy, where they would remain for several days until they worked their way back into a good place again. A few days later the cycle would repeat… and continue repeating three or four times a month.

When their relationship was good, it was great, and when it was difficult, it hurt like crazy for both of them. They were at their wits end.

One thing was very evident – this couple loved one another deeply. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to be together. They just didn’t know how to be together in a peaceful way, or how to resolve their differences amicably.

That’s where we came in. Read More →

A reflection on Coaching vs Mentoring + Awareness

Andrew

Having always had an interest in ‘what makes us tick’, over the past 30 years I have formally and informally studied many aspects of human behaviour and performance. As I write this, I have just turned 50 years young. Upon reaching the age of 39, I came to the realisation that life wasn’t going how I wanted it to, not that I had much of a plan. I experienced a year of intense frustration – post-divorce, post-redundancy, and at a time when it became apparent that I needed to change what I was doing in order to get different results – certainly from a relationship and a career perspective. I didn’t know what I wanted to do – just that I don’t want more of the same…

During this time, I re-connected with an old friend – I shall call him Ali. He had been through similarly challenging times. After listening to my tale of woe, he suggested getting into personal development, in order to develop some new perspectives on life. I went along to monthly personal development groups in Birmingham and listened to a different speaker reach month on a wide variety of subjects including: health, wealth, positive thinking and relationships. This gradually helped me to reflect on my state of ‘woe’ and upon my potential for much greater things.

reflection ~

  • The throwing back by a body or surface of light, heat, or sound without absorbing it.
  • Serious thought or consideration.

These ‘PD’ meetings gave me the lift and the kick I needed. They opened up my thinking, got me focused on new possibilities and motivated to change. Read More →

Why Men Don’t Step Up for Women

Andrew

By Diane Nicholson

Ladies, you know how it feels when you’re around a man who is so healthily in his masculine that it makes you go weak at the knees? It’s incredibly sexy, and creates a very powerful polarity between the two energies. Most women feel swept off their feet when they experience this.

Some women will be lucky enough to have a partner who is like this, and others may experience it very briefly in their daily interactions with men. What if luck actually had very little to do with it? What if every woman could experience this in a deeply intimate relationship?

Because I truly believe they can.

I’m going to let you in to a little secret. Well, it’s not so little and it’s not a secret, it’s just that so many incredible women seem to have chosen to forget something very powerful. Read More →