Monthly archives "November 2017"

How we end up marrying the wrong person – bad choice or lack of awareness?

Andrew

Here is a great article about how and why so many of us end up marrying the wrong person.

The article makes a number of great points such as:

  • Don’t seek or expect perfection… The dangers of choosing a partner based on beauty or vague sentimentality.
    • Many of us set the bar unrealistically high, for things (like wealth or looks) that are far from set in stone.
  • “One of the greatest privileges of being on one’s own is the flattering illusion that one is, in truth, really quite an easy person to live with.” So true!!
  • “We don’t understand other people. Other people are stuck at the same low level of self-knowledge as we are.” So get the knowledge – I did and it really paid off.
  • “We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, or stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, projection, money, children, ageing, fidelity and a hundred things besides.” No arguments here!
  • “What replaced the marriage of reason was the marriage of instinct, the Romantic marriage. It dictated that how one felt about someone should be the only guide to marriage. If one felt ‘in love’, that was enough. No more questions asked. Feeling was triumphant. Outsiders could only applaud the feeling’s arrival, respecting it as one might the visitation of a divine spirit.” True again for most of us – certainly for me, first time around before my divorce.
  • We don’t go to Schools of Love.We should. I wish I had done a lot earlier (I waited until divorced and age 39). I learned so much, that I decided to become a relationship coach. Then I realised, this was just the tip of the iceberg… Now, after 13 years of R&D on relationships, I am the headmaster of the best relationship school.
    • Many of us didn’t have a great experience at school. So the thought of going to relationship school may not be appealing. One of the criticisms levelled at the education system is that it doesn’t tailor and adapt itself enough to each individual pupil, their needs and learning styles etc. Instead, the pupils are shoe-horned into the fairly standardised system.
    • The same can be said for relationship coaching, counselling and education. This is why our approach is so different and so much more effective – it is tailored to who you are, as an individual and as a unique couple.
  • The time has come for a third kind of marriage. The marriage of psychology. One where ‘the feeling’…” (of love, or was it possibly infatuation)? “has been properly submitted to examination and brought under the aegis of a mature awareness of one’s own and the other’s psychology.” Hear hear!
  • “We need a new set of criteria. We should wonder: – how are they mad; how can one raise children with them; how can one develop together; how can one remain friends?” Great questions.
    • These need to be asked regularly, not only at the beginning.  Di and I complete an annual relationship MOT, where we go through the key elements of our Relationship Breakthough process.
    • Now this might all seem a little stale, unromantic and not fun. We can assure you, it is the opposite. This is enlightening and encouraging, it can be the most fun together, drawing you closer and more lovingly intimate than ever. Satisfaction and joy replace frustration and that feeling of impotence when things are working.
  • “We want to freeze happiness. We imagine that marriage is a guarantor of happiness. Getting married has no power to keep a relationship at the beautiful ‘honeymoon’ stage.
    • All great points.  Things don’t stand still (unless they are dead). A marriage takes a lot of work, but it has to be intelligent, well-informed work, not just (what feels like) hard work.
    • A well informed, conscious relationship still takes work – and it pays great dividends (of joy).
  • “The statistical chance of one in two of failing at marriage seems wholly acceptable when one is in love – feeling one has already beaten far more extraordinary odds – meeting their ideal ‘one in a million’. ” Don’t accept such poor odds! 

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